Your pull out guide to snagging a middle-aged woman…
… which is actually not directed at you, but all those ‘other’ guys, and at some of my frustrated female friends who might get a giggle out of it!
You’re not doing us a favour because you’re less than a decade older
You do know that 40 year old women complain at constantly being hit on by 50 year olds? I know because I talk to them and because I used to be one. Same goes for 55 year old women and 70 year olds. Because it’s not just the one of you…
If you’re telling us that age is just a number but you target women much younger than yourself then something doesn’t add up.
And you do look your age. We know if you’re telling porkie-pies.
We don’t mind that you’ve aged
Speaking personally, I love people who have vitality and who live their lives in a spirit of possibility and curiosity. But they are human qualities, not merely youthful ones.
If you’re telling us that you feel just as you did when you were 20 we might consider the possibility that you’re delusional. Or that you’ve learned nothing.
Put it another way. If what you are offering is the body of a 50 year old, but the wisdom and emotional maturity of a 20 year old, then that’s the very opposite of a win:win.
We were born in a different century, but not that one
A friend of mine tells a tale about one of her dates, sitting in a restaurant across from a perfectly ordinary gentleman who went on to explain that his marriage failed because his wife ‘got ideas of her own’.
In fact, most of us raised in the 70s and 80s were taught to believe that we could have more freedom, independence and choice than our mothers dreamed of.
If you’d like to date a woman who behaves as if she was raised in the 50s, I can always give you my mother’s number, though you may find that she’s more than you bargained for. If you’d like to date a woman who behaves as if she was born in the 1850s then you’ve Googled the wrong sort of ‘medium’.
Not that one either
We don’t need you to ride in on a white horse or slay our dragons. We’ve had several decades of rescuing ourselves. We also don’t need you to promise to be our ‘last first date’, ‘ours forever’ or ‘soul mate’ (and we’d probably appreciate it if you checked the spelling of that last one, otherwise it looks a bit fishy!) — especially if you’re actually looking for something considerably less full time. Some of us are too.
You might as well be honest. Our lives can be complicated, but the chances are we like them enough not to want to throw them away for something new. This is not our first love. If you say what you want and we say what we want, we can work out the details.
Let those people who want the happy ever after find each other. Meanwhile, we’d like to get on to the part where we play the kinds of games that are actually fun.
Make an effort
If your strategy is to say ‘hi’ and ‘how are you?’ and then ask for a date, we’re going to extrapolate from that and make a judgement about foreplay.
If your opening line is about sex, we can pretty much guarantee there’ll be no foreplay.
And honestly, if you’re not offering any kind of emotional, social, or intellectual connection, then we have sex toys that will do a better job.
Don’t do banter
I’m sure you mean to reassure us that you’re going to impress us with your sparkling repartee, that the phone call from Have I Got News For You is due any day, and that you once beat Dorothy Parker in a battle of wits, but we have been round the block a couple of times. We will have experienced someone using the word ‘banter’ in an attempt to shrug off responsibility for mockery, meanness or worse. Might be best to stick with the old ‘GSOH’.
Do baggage
We’ve all been on the earth for several decades. Life takes a bite out of us from time to time. The fact that you’re banging on about baggage is your baggage.
There’s a meme floating around about baggage being fine if you carry your own. Actually, sometimes we swap and share baggage. And sometimes one person takes it all for a while to give the other person a rest.
If one person in a relationship carries more than their fair share of the baggage most of the time that’s not fair. But if you won’t carry anything more than your own baggage, any of the time, then you’re probably not the one getting swizzed.
It’s true that there are women out there who need to resolve some things before they enter their next relationship. But if it’s in the forefront of your mind, perhaps you do too.
Do drama
All relationships involve conflict. People have different ideas, different thoughts, different feelings. Sometimes you’re going to want different things, and you are going to have to sort that out. Sometimes it will get emotional.
And let’s face it, we’ve reached that certain age. We are different emotionally than we used to be. All the oestrogen and progesterone that flooded our bodies inducing us to keep the peace and soothe others have now departed. We have about the same level of agreeableness as the other people in the dating pool whose bodies are low on oestrogen and progesterone…
So, if you’re looking for a woman who will never have inconvenient emotions and never challenge you emotionally, may I respectfully suggest that you build yourself one out of empty tissue boxes.
Women aren’t perfect either
I do know it. I hear you. And by now we’re all inclined to be a little world-weary. But you probably shouldn’t lead your dating profile with the fact that you got diddled by a gold-digger. You may get mistaken for a misogynist. Save it for your blog!
