Don’t be That Guy

An open response to notallmen whataboutery on social media

Photo: promorepublic

So here’s the thing. Of course it’s not all men. But it is all women — and not just once. Assault and the threat of it are part of our everyday lives. So if you do the maths you realise that some men are doing this again and again and again.

And then surely you ask the question about how that can happen — how these men — like the one who killed Sarah Everard — can hide in plain sight.

There are several reasons. One is that a lot of male behaviour that is hostile to, or disrespectful of women, is seen as normal. A man who hates women and means them harm ought to be obvious — but in the context of normal male behaviour he is not.

Another reason is that men don’t suddenly kidnap and murder — there’s an escalation leading to it. This man will have hurt and frightened other woman. One of the reasons that it has not come to light is that when they’ve spoken about it, someone, probably some nice, normal guy will have told them that they’re making a fuss over nothing, that it’s just life, that they’re over-sensitive. I don’t think you would want to be that guy.

But here’s the thing. You already are. By de-railing women’s threads on social media you become the guy that dismisses women’s fears and complaints about the threat of violence they constantly face. You’re the guy that makes women feel that there’s no point speaking up because they’ll be dismissed, because their experience is worth less than the brittle feelings of the men around them.

I do not believe that you are being that guy knowingly and deliberately, which is why I am taking the trouble to write all this.

Please don’t be that guy.